how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
