apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
