My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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