He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Two words: nipple clamps
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