no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
