every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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