I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
