I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize