Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
