Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
