Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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