Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Dick very happy bro
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
