There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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