just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
