I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
