there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize