mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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