Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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