we're blogging at a bar
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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