nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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