tell your sister to shave her snatch
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
