I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
