Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
