If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
