I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
