I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
