My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
