You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize