Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
