You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
