Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
