I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There r osticjed everywhere
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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