my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
