So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
