I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
