We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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