life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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