she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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