How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
