The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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