Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
