I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
