this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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