I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
