Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
