Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
