Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
areolas are like halos for boobs.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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