I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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