Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
