CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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