My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
