dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
