I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
