Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
