grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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