im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
