if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
