fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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