I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
