I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize