watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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